From "Man's Best Friend Is Not His Dog"

Lebeau:"Can we keep him, Colonel? He'll make a great watch dog."
Hogan:"LeBeau, this is a prison camp. Nobody's trying to break in."

Klink:"What was that dog doing here?"
Hogan:"He didn't say."

From "No Names Please"

Walter Hobson:"This sort of thing goes on all the time - rescuing flyers, picking up underground radio sets...?"
Hogan:"And in our spare time, a little sabotage."
Carter:"Personally, I find that the most fun."

Hogan:"Major Hochstetter! The escape's over here."

From "The Witness"

Hochstetter:"Guard this rocket with your life."
Schultz:"Jawohl, Herr Major.....with my life?"

Hochstetter:"If my head will roll, ALL heads will roll."

From "The Purchasing Plan"

Newkirk after Hogan announced one of his bizzare plans:"The colonel's gone over the edge."
Kinchloe:"What is this, a frufru festival?"
LeBeau to Kinch:"Next time you radio London, tell them we need a psychiatrist."

Hogan admonishing Newkirk in a tunnel full of explosive:"The next one who lights a cigarette down here gets a court martial."
LeBeau:"Before or after the explosion?"

Burkhalter:"Amazing. You obviously worked hard on these plans, Klink."
Klink:"Thank you General Burkhalter. I have given it many hours of intelligent thoughts."
Burkhalter:"That's what's so amazing."

Klink referring to Hochstetter who just left:"I despise that man."
Burkhalter:"So do I, but I rarely mention it. He has a microphone planted in this office."
Klink:"But sir, you just agreed that you despise him too. Where is the microphone?"
Burkhalter:"At the moment you are sitting on it."

Hochstetter threatening Klink:"One wrong move and you will be smiling out of the other side of your monocle."

Carter in a choked voice:"Colonel Hogan, that crate of wine has a 'Z' on it."
Klink:"What?"
Hogan:"'Z' was a good year."

From "The Big Dish"

Hochstetter referring to Klink:"The Gestapo is interested only in security, and this man is a natural hazard."

Klink:"I can assure you of my fullest cooperation."
Hochstetter:"That's what worries me."

Klink:"Hogan! How did you get past the guards?"
Hogan:"Guards at Stalag 13? When did we give up the honesty system?"

From "The Return of Major Bonacelli"

Klink:"I can smell the sauerbraten. Take a deep breath."
Major Bonacelli:"Is that an order?"

Klink:"You can never be nice to a German."

From "Happy Birthday, Dear Hogan."

Newkirk:"A perfect gift for a man who has everything, an ammo dump."

Carter:"Hey, Schultz. Do you know where we can rent a pony?
Schultz:"A pony?"
LeBeau:"Forget it. They've all been drafted."

Klink:"A German officer does not want his men to give him a party. All he wants is respect."
Hogan:"Who knows? Someday you may even get it."

Hogan:"What's the matter? You guys look like you got a Dear John chain letter."
Carter:"No. The mail didn't come yet."

Hochstetter:"In the middle of a war, you give yourself a birthday party?"
Hogan:"Not at all, Major. The party was for me."
Hochstetter incredulously:"You give your prisoner a BIRTHDAY PARTY?"

Hochstetter:"KLINK! You are succeeding in doing by yourself what millions of enemy soldiers are unable to do. Bring the Third Reich to its knees."